Rollercoaster week
24 July 2015 17:59 What a week it has been, a rollercoaster of emotions. Nothing has happened so far and yet a lot has happened. There are currently 2 treatment options for me, 1 means operating first, then radiation and then chemo, the other starts with chemo, then operating, then radiation. The second treatment is part of some kind of research, safe, but you're not sure whether or not you're the test-subject or not. Thursday I'll have an informative talk in another hospital, after which I get to decide.
So how are we doing? Currently: fine. The first few days were weird, but also good. You're mind gets in some kind of state where you see the world through completely different eyes. I was never so aware of my body as those first few days. There was also a lot a fear, anxiety, and numbness. But there was some kind of spiritual revelation, if one can call it that.
Today is different: everything feels normal again. Small bits of anxiety, but nothing else. Yes, there's a tumor inside me, yes, it's cancer but it doesn't resonate with me? Like "no big deal?" It's a weird kind of feeling, is it because I am in denial, because of some kind of shock, self preservation, or is it really okay (for now)? It's a nice feeling to be having, but also extremely weird, because it all feels like it used to before the diagnosis.
Today was also the day I was supposed to go to Ireland. No sadness whatsoever that I'm not currently there. Is all this because I've accepted the situation completely, or...? I've also decided to not go the route of preserving some of my eggs. Again: nothing. It feels like the right decision, so maybe I'm not supposed to feel anything extreme, but it's so weird, because you read all those stories about women thinking breast cancer is the end of the world. And it currently doesn't feel that way, whatsoever.
Something to keep an eye on, me thinks.
This entry was originally posted at http://prettygoodyear.dreamwidth.org/290480.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
So how are we doing? Currently: fine. The first few days were weird, but also good. You're mind gets in some kind of state where you see the world through completely different eyes. I was never so aware of my body as those first few days. There was also a lot a fear, anxiety, and numbness. But there was some kind of spiritual revelation, if one can call it that.
Today is different: everything feels normal again. Small bits of anxiety, but nothing else. Yes, there's a tumor inside me, yes, it's cancer but it doesn't resonate with me? Like "no big deal?" It's a weird kind of feeling, is it because I am in denial, because of some kind of shock, self preservation, or is it really okay (for now)? It's a nice feeling to be having, but also extremely weird, because it all feels like it used to before the diagnosis.
Today was also the day I was supposed to go to Ireland. No sadness whatsoever that I'm not currently there. Is all this because I've accepted the situation completely, or...? I've also decided to not go the route of preserving some of my eggs. Again: nothing. It feels like the right decision, so maybe I'm not supposed to feel anything extreme, but it's so weird, because you read all those stories about women thinking breast cancer is the end of the world. And it currently doesn't feel that way, whatsoever.
Something to keep an eye on, me thinks.
This entry was originally posted at http://prettygoodyear.dreamwidth.org/290480.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
