(no subject)
12 October 2004 13:51So...today I had my meeting with my old teacher and friend Jenneke. It was a weird kind of meeting. Not in a bad way, it was just different.
Five years ago she became my tutor. In a period I was going through some weird feelings and emotions. She entered my life at a time I needed it the most. You know that feeling that you just meet someone you haven't met before and you don't know at all, yet it feels like you DO know that person? We both had that feeling when we first met. But it took ages before we really talked to each other.
Anyway...she was there when I needed someone like her. And we really, really used to have these wonderful, deep conversations in the end. I began to miss that so much that last week I decided to bring her a visit again. And today we just talked. But it just occurred to me then that I don't "need" her anymore. At least not in the way I used to need her. We often had talks when I felt so fucking down and sad and unhappy and unstable etc...But I realize now that I've grown as a person, I've changed. I'm no longer that scared little bird who used to doubt everything.
I don't know...it's hard to explain...but I think it just got clear to me that I no longer "look up to her".
Our conversation was just like old times though, even though this time we mostly talked about the general things. But there was so much more I wanted to tell her, but someone just put a hand on my mouth to tell me it wasn't the right time for it.
But she wrote my address down and she told me she would love to visit my school one day and see me in action again.
All in all it was good to meet up with her again, but I know realize that the past really is the past and it's okay. I can't even go back there anymore, nor do I want to. I always thought I did want to have those moments back, but i now know that it isn't the case. I'm happy with the way things are now. I don't want to go back to those times. And for the first time ever I now really, really do know that it's okay to leave the past the past. So...that's something positive.
We didn't arrange another meeting, we both just left it out in the open. We'll see what happens next. Maybe we will meet again, maybe we won't. Maybe there's still things we need to work out together. Maybe there are things I can teach her now. But there was a reason for us meeting again after all those years. Maybe the only reason was the reason for me to realize all those things, and maybe there's more. We'll see. At least I really feel okay with it now. I really feel like I was able to close a chapter that was left open on the final page for over two years. It's finally okay.
Five years ago she became my tutor. In a period I was going through some weird feelings and emotions. She entered my life at a time I needed it the most. You know that feeling that you just meet someone you haven't met before and you don't know at all, yet it feels like you DO know that person? We both had that feeling when we first met. But it took ages before we really talked to each other.
Anyway...she was there when I needed someone like her. And we really, really used to have these wonderful, deep conversations in the end. I began to miss that so much that last week I decided to bring her a visit again. And today we just talked. But it just occurred to me then that I don't "need" her anymore. At least not in the way I used to need her. We often had talks when I felt so fucking down and sad and unhappy and unstable etc...But I realize now that I've grown as a person, I've changed. I'm no longer that scared little bird who used to doubt everything.
I don't know...it's hard to explain...but I think it just got clear to me that I no longer "look up to her".
Our conversation was just like old times though, even though this time we mostly talked about the general things. But there was so much more I wanted to tell her, but someone just put a hand on my mouth to tell me it wasn't the right time for it.
But she wrote my address down and she told me she would love to visit my school one day and see me in action again.
All in all it was good to meet up with her again, but I know realize that the past really is the past and it's okay. I can't even go back there anymore, nor do I want to. I always thought I did want to have those moments back, but i now know that it isn't the case. I'm happy with the way things are now. I don't want to go back to those times. And for the first time ever I now really, really do know that it's okay to leave the past the past. So...that's something positive.
We didn't arrange another meeting, we both just left it out in the open. We'll see what happens next. Maybe we will meet again, maybe we won't. Maybe there's still things we need to work out together. Maybe there are things I can teach her now. But there was a reason for us meeting again after all those years. Maybe the only reason was the reason for me to realize all those things, and maybe there's more. We'll see. At least I really feel okay with it now. I really feel like I was able to close a chapter that was left open on the final page for over two years. It's finally okay.
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