Unbelievable...just simply unbelievable how fucking lost I am. How amazingly angry I am about the world, my life, myself. So fucking frustrating and annoying. Been in this feeling for too long. Guess I'm so used to it now that I don't know my way out anymore, don't want to either. Guess I'm scared in a way as well.
I used to be the girl who loved life and spirituality. Who didn't get it all the time and who sometimes felt frustrated by it, but who was so deeply connected with her inner-self and the world around her. But just thinking about it these days, right now, makes me feel so fucking mad. So stupid. But I wanna punch stuff, wanna yell and scream and run away.
I'm losing touch with myself more and more.
This evening they showed a documentary on the TV about Char. If you've never heard of her: she's supposed to be a 'medium' who can talk to ghosts etc...and earns shitloads of money with it. She even has her own show here in Holland though she's American. The whole documentary was pretty skeptical about her and her gift. Now...I'm too. I always doubt people who ask way too much money for something like this and than also reveal no info at all. But...I also found myself doubting just about everything that has got to do with spirituality. What if all of this is just fake? What if there is only one life etc? Freaked me out of course, but at the same time I felt like "Fuck it all...it's all fake and there's nothing more to life than there is."
But then my eyes caught my Tori collection. And I remember how Tori always talks about spirituality etc...And..how stupid and silly this may sound, that sorta kinda brought my faith back. Not completely, but just enough.
I know I need to get in touch with myself again, but I just don't know how. It's all about taking babysteps, but I don't even know where to begin. I simply do not know. And it's feelings like this that often makes me want to hide under the blankets and escape life.
I need to break the pattern but oh good god I'm so scared!
